new hearing aid
My dad was bragging about his new hearing aid. “State of the Art,” he said,
“It cost me a fortune.”
I asked: “Awesome what type is it?
“He said: “Two thirty.”
DNA Tests
I have no faith in those so called DNA tests, which allegedly, from a simple blood sample, can tell you where you are from, so i did a test on my pet frog.
I discovered the frog was 70% British, 20% French, 7% Italian, 2% Dutch and a tad Pole.
If lawyers
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
The great “Pun”dits say
The person who invented the door knock won the No-bell prize.
I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seat belt. Then it clicked.
Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Fellows.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing!
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.
Enough with the cripple jokes! I just can’t stand them.
Is google a woman? Because it won’t let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions.
Want to hear a construction joke? I’m working on it
A prisoner’s favourite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
I have a few theories about unemployed people. But never mind; none of them work.
Two antennas met on a roof and got married. The wedding was ok, but the reception was incredible.
Where do TVs go on vacation? To remote islands!
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said ‘No change yet.’
There was an explosion at a pie factory; 3.14 people died.
There was once a cross-eyed teacher. She just couldn’t control her pupils.
I am selling my guitar, no strings attached!!
I usually take steps to avoid elevators.
Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife ‘darling, honey, love.’ What’s the secret?”
Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her.
A lady says to her doctor: “My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?”
The doctor replies: “Give him an opportunity to speak when he’s awake.”
The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night
The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter.
In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.
Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state.
Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it’s effects on a 50 year old executive.
Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars.
Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank.
She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.
By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car.
She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied,
“If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!”