The person who invented the door knock won the No-bell prize.
I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seat belt. Then it clicked.
Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Fellows.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing!
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.
Enough with the cripple jokes! I just can’t stand them.
Is google a woman? Because it won’t let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions.
Want to hear a construction joke? I’m working on it
A prisoner’s favourite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
I have a few theories about unemployed people. But never mind; none of them work.
Two antennas met on a roof and got married. The wedding was ok, but the reception was incredible.
Where do TVs go on vacation? To remote islands!
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said ‘No change yet.’
There was an explosion at a pie factory; 3.14 people died.
There was once a cross-eyed teacher. She just couldn’t control her pupils.
I am selling my guitar, no strings attached!!
I usually take steps to avoid elevators.
Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife ‘darling, honey, love.’ What’s the secret?” Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her.
A lady says to her doctor: “My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?” The doctor replies: “Give him an opportunity to speak when he’s awake.”
The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter.
In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.
Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state.
Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it’s effects on a 50 year old executive.
Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars.
Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank.
She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.
By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car.
She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied,
“If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!”
His parents look at the truck and ask, “Where did you get that truck?!”
“I bought it today,” he says.
“With what money?” says his mother.
They knew what a new F150 cost.
“Well,” he says, “this one cost me just fifteen dollars.”
The father looks at him like he’s crazy.
“Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?” he says.
“It was the lady up the street,” says the boy. “I don’t know her name – they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her F150 for fifteen dollars.
“Oh my Goodness!” says the mother. “Maybe she’s mentally ill or has Alzheimer’s or something. John, you better go see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walks up the street to the house where the lady lives and finds her out in the yard calmly planting petunias.
He introduces himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Ford F150 truck for fifteen dollars and asks to know why she did it.
“Well,” she says, “two days ago my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.”
“Oh, my goodness, I’m so sorry,” the father says. “But what does that have to do with my son and your truck?”
“Well, this morning he called and told me he was stranded because he got robbed of his wallet with all his credit cards and cash. He told me to sell his new F150 and send him the money. So I did.”
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
“Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?”
The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. He tells the doctor that he has been having really strange dreams for a month, and they are driving him crazy. He says he is watching a hockey tournament but it’s donkeys that are playing. The doctor writes the guy a prescription and tells him to take 2 pills that evening before going to bed, and that he won’t have those dreams any longer.” The guy says “Doc, can I start the medicine tomorrow night because tonight is the final”?
