A blind man walks into a pub and finds himself a seat at the bar, he orders a pint and the barman brings it to him.
He says to the barman “do you want to hear a good dumb blonde joke?”
The barman says “look mate, I know you can’t see, but I’m six foot seven, and I’m an ex pro wrestler and I’m blonde. The guy sat to your left is my mate John who’s an ex heavyweight boxer and he’s blonde. The guy on your right just got out of prison for beating four guys half to death and he’s blonde. Also sat at the table just behind you are two special forces guys on leave and both of them are blonde. So do you still want to tell your dumb blonde joke?”
And he says “nah, not if I’m going to have to explain it five times.”
The person who invented the door knock won the No-bell prize.
I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seat belt. Then it clicked.
Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Fellows.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing!
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.
Enough with the cripple jokes! I just can’t stand them.
Is google a woman? Because it won’t let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions.
Want to hear a construction joke? I’m working on it
A prisoner’s favourite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
I have a few theories about unemployed people. But never mind; none of them work.
Two antennas met on a roof and got married. The wedding was ok, but the reception was incredible.
Where do TVs go on vacation? To remote islands!
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said ‘No change yet.’
There was an explosion at a pie factory; 3.14 people died.
There was once a cross-eyed teacher. She just couldn’t control her pupils.
I am selling my guitar, no strings attached!!
I usually take steps to avoid elevators.
Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife ‘darling, honey, love.’ What’s the secret?” Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her.
A lady says to her doctor: “My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?” The doctor replies: “Give him an opportunity to speak when he’s awake.”
There was a time when i maintained a jokes site. i always thought i’d make it big and get traffic and so on, but then again, i didn’t realize that the whole process of curating jokes for 20-30 minutes every day, was actually making my life better, because … well, you get to read jokes and have at least 20-30 minutes of laughter every day, regardless of how your day goes. So i am bringing back that tradition, by introducing the jokes stream in here.
Let’s begin with an old, but gold:
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband,
“Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
“What?” said the puzzled groom.
“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”
“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”
“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”
